I don’t consider myself to have a mental health condition as such but I have always been quite anxious deep down. My anxiety doesn’t control my life but it does make certain everyday situations more uncomfortable than they should be. Like in the series Dexter, he states he has a ‘dark passenger’, my anxiety could be described as my back seat driver that wants to call the shots.
I’ve noticed certain social situations bring the feeling on more than others. I sense the anxiousness is coming then it arrives. This then makes me feel frustrated and eventually annoyed with myself for feeling like this. It’s like a vicious circle. Clubbing for example is a big one. I went to Derby University which was the best three years of my life to date, however being exposed to that environment of partying made me feel very uncomfortable. I would be left paralysed in fear whilst everyone else in the building was dancing, drinking have having fun. I remember thinking I should be doing that. When I felt the most anxious I would shut down completely and think and think until my head felt tired.
I’ve been home nearly two years now and I’ve grown since then. I am much more aware of it and I can deal with it better. I’m currently having counselling for it which has made me feel better so far. I hope to use techniques such as CBT and mindfulness to combat negative thoughts that intrude on my life.
What annoys me at times is when people who don’t understand say things like, “cheer up you miserable sod or chill out” etc. Do you think I would if I could?! They don’t understand unless you sit them down and delve into it for an age which is not always what you want to do. I recently had this when I went camping with friends at Carmarthen. It stuck with me for a while and I had a whole lot of negativity that sunk into me. It was an awful feeling which led me to over analyse things in general and over analyse myself. It didn’t last long, when I wake up the following morning it’s gone naturally until it happens again.
Very often we find comfort reading certain lyrics of songs we like that hold unique meanings for ourselves. I’m a diehard fan of metal music and have listened to a lot of Metallica lately. One song by the band that describes anxiety and self doubt is ‘The Unnamed Feeling’ off their 2003 album ‘St Anger.’ The chorus definitely makes me feel connected;
“Then the unnamed feeling, it comes alive, then the unnamed feeling treats me this way, then I wait for this train, toes over the line, then the unnamed feeling takes me away.”
For me this song feels very real because it has taken something that is very dark and expressed it in a positive manner.
I am really looking forward to joining this group to relate and help others who know what it’s like to feel frustrated because of our own feelings. I have decided to turn my issues around now because I have had a lot on this past year in terms of work and a current relationship. I have never been pushed by external factors as I have now. It’s really liberating to be able to express this to everyone and I hope to write and express myself further.
My sincere thanks for reading; I just wanted to give you an insight into my background and how generally anxiety makes me feel.